I’ve been trying to distract myself as much as possible because it wouldn’t do to set around and feel sorry for myself all day. That’s how I ended up in a tiny Bed & Breakfast this weekend with two friends. It was supposed to be my bridal shower/ bacherette party weekend but it sort of morphed into this: something to distract ourselves, especially after one of my friends just got into a car accident.
We joked on the way up that we were two invalids driving a car when probably neither of us should have been driving. That’s why it was good when we finally reached St. Cloud where we could have someone else drive.
My mood has been better, but still unpredictable at best. One second, I feel happy and I can laugh, but then I’m usually overtaken by a strong desire to cry over anyhing.
I think part of the problem may be some of the side affects from the potent steroid I’m taking to shrink the swelling before the operation. They make my stomach hurt, my vision blurry, and they make me dizzy. All of those, I was assured were normal as long as they didn’t change too much too quickly. I guess that’s how I know what it’s doing. Let’s hope it’s working! (I’d toast to that if I could).
Then, obviously, I think all the unforseen changes that I’m up against are forcing me to analyze my life in unexpected ways. Like I know now that I probably won’t be able to return to Santiago to make our August wedding date and I might not be able to live there again because I don’t have health insurance there and it would be then wrong time to make such a decision. The thought makes me more depressed than I realized because when L. told me yesterday that he was finally starting to get the apartment the way we wanted it, I felt an overwhelming feeling to cry and I think my friends may have even noticed. I know I complained about my life in Santiago, but it was mine and now I miss it. Sort of like all other aspects of normality as of late.
I feel like, for the most part, everyone is trying to act as normal as possible, but it is never far from anyone’s mind.
It has been good for me to talk to my friend C. this weekend because a couple of years ago her sister suffered a traumatic brain injury and is slowly healing and recovering. My operation will be nothing like that as dramatic or intense as that, so it helped to put things in perspective. The doctor has a plan and knows exactly what he is doing. I think it’s still the scare of the unknown and the what-Ifs that make me lie awake at night.
Well, breakfast should be here soon. The breakfast at this place is amazing. In fact I can hear her wheeling it down the hall. I haven’t had much of an appetite lately but I’m starving right now.
( I wrote this on my iPod in case it reads funny. It’s a little hard to proof).