Trying to get into the spirit of the holidays and failing

The holiday season is one of my favorite times of year. I love the freshness of winter, the traditions, the anticipation, the coziness, seeing friends and family and the exchange of thoughtful gifts. Needless to say, I hate it here.

You can get this ceramic thing for about $3 USD.

You can get this ceramic thing for about $3 USD. Jealous?

photo 2

Or you can get any number of winter-themed decor, because why not?

No one wants to cuddle up in front of the fire watching the snow fall and drinking mugs of thick hot chocolate when it’s nearly 90 degrees outside. It’s not Chile’s fault that Thanksgiving (not celebrated here, obviously) and Christmas fall in their late spring and early summer and, that in spite of this, they’ve tried to adopt all of our cheerful, snowy decorations. But I’m not feeling particularly charitable or like giving credit where credit is due.

The one thing I’m Thankful for this year is sleeping finally in the next room after a long day of playing and talking about dogs. And she is a lot to be thankful for (because’s she smart and adorable), because in all other realms of life, I’m doing quite miserably. Job search? Fail. Interpersonal relationships? Fail. Interviews? Fail.

And I’m depressed. I feel like it’s moved beyond melancholy now. It’s hard to get started in the morning and when I do I feel like I’m just going through the motions of feeding dressing and caring for an extremely spirited one-year-old while failing as a wife and otherwise interesting person you would want to talk to.

And I’m dreading, more than I can articulate, being away from my family (who, in all honestly, drive me out of my mind at times), but at least they get me, laugh at my jokes, and see me as something other than Squeaker’s diaper changer with talents to impart on the world other than butt wiping (not that I’m knocking a clean butt).

And I just want to cry. I want to stare into a snow globe until I’m transported back to Minnesota and kiss this patriarchal society, cliquey expats, and summer heat good bye. Since that won’t be happening, I’m stuck in this state of ennui.

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10 responses to “Trying to get into the spirit of the holidays and failing

  1. Took the words right out of my mouth…. Trying to figure out how to skip December and jump right into January (though my 3 yr old has other ideas). December is such a depressing month for me here…. Every year… It doesn’t get better.

    • Thanks for understanding! This isn’t my first holiday season but it’s been the most difficult and I think it’s because I’m a mother now.

  2. I think this is normal, hun. I’m not an expert and I’m not a parent but the majority of my friends are parents and most of the girls seem to have felt this way at some point. Something will come along for you and make sense. I know that you’re so much more than a Mother Hen. Those of us who were born on 9th January are pretty fricken amazing, didn’t ya know? ;-) Everything seems to have come to a halt but I promise things will definitely get better for you.

  3. I’m getting grouchier & grouchier the closer the holidays get! :) Danica

  4. I’m sorry you’re being so hard on yourself, Sara. I can certainly understand the melancholy of being away from home for the holidays, that’s expected I think. And being a bit depressed with an infant to care for and now outside stimuli, it sucks, but it’s normal. Maybe you can fly home for Christmas? It will give you something to look forward to, and make the rest of your family happy I’m sure.
    Just a thought. Hang in kiddo.
    b

  5. I remember this feeling all too well. I hope you get to come home soon!

  6. Yes. Yes. yes. yes. SO MUCH YES. I just can commiserate so much it actually hurts a bit to read this. I just got in argument with my mother in law because she twice told me she thinks IC and I should get a Christmas tree (a fake one. EW) and I was like ” I DON’T WANT ONE IN MY HOUSE” I can’t explain to her that being away from my family physically PAINS me over the holidays and that I cry EVERY Christmas eve because I’m not at home.

  7. I feel you. My husband and his family don’t celebrate. It is SO depressing. I spent the last three years crying. Now that Little Elephant is old enough to know what is going on– I have decided to take control. I will make traditions they way I want hell or high water. That said, it took me 5 years in this marriage to get to this place. Good luck!

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