I’ve made it no secret that I’m looking for a job. I have been for a while actually. I feel like the job karma fairies are frowning on me since I have given up better jobs than the ones I am considering taking. And if they are, in fact, metaphysically smiting me, then they are laughing their pixie dust butts off when I walk into an a farce masquerading as an interview.
It shouldn’t be this hard. I have an MBA and some decent experience, plus my Spanish is fluent and my accent is hardly gringo-rrific. But it is. Here are some real, honest to God interview questions and situations that would make your HR department in the states quiver in fear.
The unprepared interviewer
Interviewer: I have to confess that I haven’t read your resume…
What I did: Start babbling my experience like a little bitch. Feel the sweat beads pool above my lip and worry that it makes me look like I have a mustache.
What I wish I had done: Walk. The. Eff. Out. Why should I bother if they won’t expend even the minimum effort to vet me?
The personal questions interviewer
Interviewer: What is your husband’s last name? Where did he go to high school/college? Where does he work? What projects is he working on right now? What neighborhood do you live in? Do you have kids? How old are you? What do your parents do?
They are trying to establish my social class by figuring out my husband’s and my family’. My elusive answers often irk them so they find new ways to phrase the question. None of this has anything to do with my job performance, but it once took up 90% of an interview.
What I did: Roll my eyes in my mind, go to my happy place and continue the interview in auto-pilot.
What I wish I had done: Ask, “Is this relevant for the job?” And, then, watch as they mentally crossed me off the list of candidates.
The welcome-to-the-1950’s interviewer
Interviewer: Oh, you are married? Do you have kids? YOU HAVE AN ALMOST ONE-YEAR-OLD? How are you going to take care of her? How are you going to work? DO YOU WANT MOOOOORE KIDS? Are you on birth control? Can you take a pregnancy test? Do you have live-in help? What if your daughter interferes with your work?
All those questions are used to discriminate against women in the workplace because *GOD FORBID* you would pop out a kid, they have to give you a six-month maternity leave and treat you like a human being. HORRORS!
What I did: Bend over and take it.
What I wish I had done: Calmly state, “If I were a man sitting in front of you with TEN kids would you be asking me any of these questions? No. You would just assume that my barefoot and pregnant wife is at home whipping up a fabulous lunch and wiping snotty noses with the help of our two live-in nannies. Oh, and no matter what, my daughter will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS be more important that your shitty job that pays less than working at Starbucks back home.
What I wish I had done: Walk. The. Eff. Out. Go home. Download a copy of The Feminine Mystique and burn my bra.
The naysaying interviewer (very much related to the unprepared interviewer and are often spotted together)
Interviewer: You won’t like this job. It’s too challenging/boring/difficult to learn, plus you are over-qualified and I’m really not sure why you are here.
What I did: Ask, “Can I be the one to decide if I don’t like the job?”
What I wish I would have done: Walk. The. Eff. Out.
The interview always concludes with a “We’ll call you!” and the perfunctory cheek kiss that already feels fake because I know they’ll never call or email and I’ll never see that bitch again unless she’s stealing my spot in line at H&M pretending like she doesn’t see me.
With this charming attitude it’s hard to believe they won’t hire me, right?
What’s the weirdest thing that’s happened to you on an interview?